nov 12 2023: many things

ive grown up a bit more than last time. why are the feelings now the same ive had since all those months ago? the person who made that months ago is nothing like me now. we may look similar, and have similar features, but how come we are feeling the exact same. nothing changed? whatever happened months ago, will never happen again, yet why? of course, as of now my problems only got worse, and continue to grow. and i only write texts on these websites because i never want to tell anyone, really. i never really liked the idea of venting, ( amongus funi) anytime i do, i only weigh people down with my problems. maybe its different for my closest friends, but it just seems like a hassle. no hate to them but everytime i try to tell my situation i almost always know the answer. i know the answer to a lot of my problems. take care of yourself, dont pressure, theres always next time. but ive already heard those.. you might think since ive already heard them, i would be doing good no? i try to follow those advice, buti always end up back where i was, and if i were to tell this to someone, i know what they will say anyway. relax, or do something productive. then i never do it. i guess i never have the incentive to do much when im feeling down, and i dont see much meaning in telling anyone else. of course many people have a different viewpoint, and i can understand. in fact i can very much put myself in their shoes, but its just hard for me. i often think about the future. i can tell with absolute certainty that the problems im having right now will go away in the near future. but waiting for a day that is not known is quite futile. hell, even with thinking of days that will come by until i can say 100% that im ok right now in life, its not easy. and now ive said too much, i feel like not even typing properly anymore. anytime i say something completely true from my mind, it never makes sense like literally. ik it doesnt make sense, and i know i seem selfish, but i know that isnt good... i wonder what really happens in the future. i can only guess but i will never really be there to experience it. anytime i look in the sky, i know that i will never see it again. whats the point if it will all end anyway? it scares me. it scares me that after i die i may never ever know what will happen. i can only hope. the thing i hate the most is making peoplefeel bad even of me. and even if what everything i said here is true to what i mean, i still want myself, or anyone reading to know that no matter how tough it gets, you will miss it. i really hope i would miss my problems now. maybe sometime in the future, i can really accept who i was 10 years ago, and think. 'i was a lot similar to what i was'. no matter what, i can find hope in myself that we are all not that different. something i hope ive known sooner, is that death, or contemplation can lead you down. but enjoy what little you have left. i hope one day i will look at this again and regain a spark i once had long ago. this long text took a series of many turns, but if there's anything i want to say to any version of myself i think it would be very meaningful.

i love you.

sorry for the fire gif lol i thought it was funny

- serif nov 12 2023